President Evil Online presents
Condi Rice SEZ:
Grrr! Splrrgll! Graahhr!
Retail Giant Hits Benchmark Goal!
New Walmart Opens On Outskirts of Hell Itself!
Even the dead and the damned need an outlet for high-quality, low-priced durables and sundries!
This is a landmark achievement!" states the strange smoldering shadow that is the soul of Sam Walton himself, with obvious pride. "We've been brokering this deal for what seems like an eternity--but you can never tell with time around here. The main thing is, we've got our toehold... and this is just the beginning!" Indeed, no one in the business community, living OR dead, thought this bold new enterprise would ever get off the ground... but that's an attitude Sam's used to dealing with, and one he still sees as a personal challenge. "We ran into a LOT of opposition from the Lord of Darkness |
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himself, not to mention his many horned and winged minions... but I guess they just didn't know who they were dealing with!" he continues, bursting into flame from time to time but using even this to his advantage, as always. "I'm on FIRE with excitement! They thought they could keep us out forever, but just look!"
Sales of ice have been particularly brisk in the first days, exceeding even the most hopeful initial projections. Other products that show real promise include hand-held tvs and video games and other small consumer electronics, items which can be concealed from guardian demons in rectums, open chest cavities and other vicious wounds, and that help while away the endless eternities of suffering that are a common feature of existence in the Inferno.
"And then there's the Garden Weasel, which is always a popular item--even though they don't really work at all, and are utterly useless in Hell, where nothing grows from the ash and rock save an occasional screaming human face... but at only $7.99, how's a doomed soul supposed to say no?"
When asked about plans to open a store in Heaven, Sam is forthcoming as ever. "So far, God's pretty much saying "HELL no!"... but that's just what Satan said at first too!"