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The Hideous Weeks in Review3/11/05 - 3/24/05Top Headline:White House To Be Painted Black! In Other News:Maureen Dowd Disappears Suddenly -- Just Like a Woman! Doctor Says Jacko "Much Too Sick A Fuck" To Stand Trial God Orders Infinite Pizza With The Works Alan Greenspan Says Evil is Good! Major Scientific Study Finds Nothing Much Happening Scary News Archives 3/25-4/7/05 (all news canceled on account of Pope's death) NEWS THAT NEVER GETS OLD:
Gannon/Guckert Story Rumored Buried In Deep Hole Just Outside Vegas |
White House To Be Painted Entirely Black! |
3/22/05 "Black is the new white" says White House propaganda minister Scott McClellan with a face so straight you could iron shirts with it. "It's time for a change," said Bush in a taped statement he made late last weekend from a cave rumored somewhere in Afghanistan, that's how pissed everyone is at this, his latest bone-headed blundering idiotic move that beggars even the humblest intellect; but Bush is not backing down. "Sometimes you have to try new approaches and new things, ya know? Ya gotta hunker down and approach some old things sorta sideways, and turn them into new stuff, and stuff like that," Bush continued in a brief unscripted appearance the next day. "Law-making is like tipping cows," he said with confidence. "Ya just gotta sneak up real quiet and get the drop on the critters, that's all." When questioned further on this cryptic and seemingly unrelated response, Bush retreated into nearby shadow for a moment, seemingly unsure of himself, then jumped back in front of the cameras and launched into song. "I wanna paint it black, black, blackblackblack, yeah, blackblackblackblackblack..." he warbled off-key, scaring everyone. The decision to use a deep pitch black that some have described as "black as the pits of hell" has stirred rumblings amid many of the more religious-minded in Bush's conservative base, especially those with a conspiratorial bent to their thinking."This has nothing to do with secret satanist cults or anything like that; it's all about the Rolling Stones, and one of the most classic tunes in rock n' roll! Whoo! ROCK N' ROLLLLL!!! WHOOO!!!" McClellan insisted on a very special emergency edition of Meet the Press which was broadcast last Tuesday, and which no one at all with a bit of life left, and better things to do, actually watched... which is too bad in this particular case, as it must be stated, in the interest of honestly and the public record, that McClellan plays one mean air guitar. The painting work will be handled by Mike's Painting Service, which alert bloggers instantly discovered to be a newly created division of Halliburton, one so brand-new that the paint on its Mike's Painting Service sign is even now still pretty tacky to the touch. The cost of the job has been estimated at "millions, possibly billions of dollars." Why so expensive? Two reasons, according to Bush. "First, there's a war on... I mean two wars... or is it three now?... I can't keep track. But the cost of additional security and all... so first ya got yer security issues...and then this whole mess with social security, too, it's all related, with yer fat-cat trial lawyers, and trials and laws, too many taxes, not enough education... it's about counting every dollar and making sure every dollar counts and is spent at the very most it can be, the most possible money of all, ya follow?... so you see, first it's all about doing the right thing, to protect the terrorists and evil people of America and beyond from all the other evil peoples of the world, and maybe even deep space... because it's really all about sorting people, and putting them in the right boxes, and making sure they stay there, where they can do the most good... and terrorism, too. We cannot forget to be terrified. It's all about terror." And the other reason? "Two coats at least," says Bush. "At the very least. That's the minimum least, at best... that is, it's the maximum best for the minimum least... I think..." Sure ya do, Mr. President. Sure ya do. Comments: I might vote for Bush again... I'm gonna have to wait, though, and see how this paint job turns out first! furrybelly@ohfuck.com ------------- Bush WOULD try to mash our collective faces in the big cosmic cyanide pie of his personal design sense... ever since they got to Washington, it's driving me crazy... I just hate what they've done to the place! They have new drapes with these STUPID sheers, and they've also got all-new doilies that are just horrid! Horrid, I tell you! HORRID! chumpy@limpmusket.com
Crap, I can't find my keys... yeah, thanks A LOT, Bush, ya dumbecile extraordinaire! amongolhordenamedchuck@ohcrap.net ------------- I never trust the hardware guys at the hardware store... he uses a machine to mix my paint that they stole it themselves, them then, there there, that's all I'm sayin'! How can you tell the machine didn't do it? I wasn't even gonna get that color! Otherwise, I'm all for it! tubsobutter@prickly.net.org Like to post a comment? Click here: |