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President Evil Online Presents:

The Scary News

  Scary! New! Bi-Weekly!

The Hideous Weeks in Review

4/08/05 - 4/14/05

Top Headline:

Delay Shits Self on Congress Floor

In Other News:


Halliburton Caught Overcharging Again


Greenspan Forecasts Golden Showers


Snuggles Held in Robbery Case


Does Christian Prayer Kill?

Scary News Archives

3/25-4/7/05 (all news canceled on account of Pope's death)





Dick Cheney's Head Explodes!


Gannon/Guckert Story Rumored Buried In Deep Hole Just Outside Vegas


Tom Delay Shits Self In Middle of Senate Floor


"I LOVE this job!"

--Tom Delay



"I feel vindicated, finally," said the long-time Senator on his recent action, taken purposefully and with very specific intent. "This was my final cry of outrage and protest against the utter corruption and filth I see everywhere around me in this hallowed chamber, except for me, of course, and my closest friends... I'm not ashamed of what I've done, either, I just wish others would do likewise a lot more often, if that's what it's going to take to rein in these insane liberals," Delay said, red-faced and trembling, the fumes from his sagging slacks rising visibly all about him. "And on top of that, this was my own very special tribute to the life and amazing spirit of Terri Schiavo, a truly patriotic American who gave her life and her last shred of dignity to advance the Republican agenda. This party is built on people of her rare insight and intelligence, and I salute you all!"

Critics have been unanimous in praising Mr. Delay's personal restraint, in the sense that he somehow managed to keep himself from hurling his feces in-chamber, something not seen since the days of the Gingrinch Congress. "Instead, I chose to make a more dignified statement that still expressed the outrage that I and all of my constituents feel over the many many unAmerican things going on in America today, such as the practice of modern medicine, and the teaching of 'science' in our schools!"

Mr. Delay has been admonished by the House Ethics Committee on three separate occasions in the last year, and is involved in a number of other questionable dealings as well; some see his grandstanding on the Terri Schiavo case, and his calls for retribution against what he terms an "outlaw judiciary" as mere attempts to misdirect the public's attention from his own political problems; but Delay maintains his innocence as he dashes about the country trying to avert all sorts of catastrophes, real and imagined. He is thinking of having a special costume made, something with a flowing red cape, perhaps.

But this morning he surprised everyone when he took the floor of the senate, then began growling and grunting and making faces. This was followed by an audible explosion in the vicinity of the seat of Delay's pants, and horrified giggles ensued for a brief moment as shock and disbelief held everyone in paralysis. Then Delay, wearing his most cherubic smile, broke then stunned silence.

"Does this, gentlemen, smell like the stench of mendacity to you?" he chided nearby Democrats as they moved away from him in droves, gagging and convulsing.

Fellow Republicans gave Delay a standing ovation, and then another. Several gave him cars.

Will Delay be shitting himself anytime again in the near future? "That all depends on the Democrats," he says with supreme confidence. "They say us Republicans are full of shit. And you know something?... we are! We're full of it, right up to the eyeballs... and we're just getting started!"



I think Delay may be onto something... if we all soil our own nests here in America, maybe the terrorists will just leave us alone and go back to Africa. Or wherever.


Fave Quote: "Hey hey hey!"


Well, don't that just beat all! Sounds like ol' Jimbo done got hisself an idearrr!


Fave Quote: "Heh heh heh..."

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