"I feel vindicated, finally," said the long-time Senator on
his recent action, taken purposefully and with very specific intent. "This
was my final cry of outrage and protest against the utter corruption and
filth I see everywhere around me in this hallowed chamber, except for me,
of course, and my closest friends... I'm not ashamed of what I've done,
either, I just wish others would do likewise a lot more often, if that's
what it's going to take to rein in these insane liberals," Delay said,
red-faced and trembling, the fumes from his sagging slacks rising visibly
all about him. "And on top of that, this was my own very special tribute
to the life and amazing spirit of Terri Schiavo, a truly patriotic American
who gave her life and her last shred of dignity to advance the Republican
agenda. This party is built on people of her rare insight and intelligence,
and I salute you all!"
Critics have been unanimous in praising Mr. Delay's personal restraint,
in the sense that he somehow managed to keep himself from hurling his feces
in-chamber, something not seen since the days of the Gingrinch Congress.
"Instead, I chose to make a more dignified statement that still expressed
the outrage that I and all of my constituents feel over the many many unAmerican
things going on in America today, such as the practice of modern medicine,
and the teaching of 'science' in our schools!"
Mr. Delay has been admonished by the House Ethics Committee on three
separate occasions in the last year, and is involved in a number of other
questionable dealings as well; some see his grandstanding on the Terri Schiavo
case, and his calls for retribution against what he terms an "outlaw
judiciary" as mere attempts to misdirect the public's attention from
his own political problems; but Delay maintains his innocence as he dashes
about the country trying to avert all sorts of catastrophes, real and imagined.
He is thinking of having a special costume made, something with a flowing
red cape, perhaps.
But this morning he surprised everyone when he took the floor of the
senate, then began growling and grunting and making faces. This was followed
by an audible explosion in the vicinity of the seat of Delay's pants, and
horrified giggles ensued for a brief moment as shock and disbelief held
everyone in paralysis. Then Delay, wearing his most cherubic smile, broke
then stunned silence.
"Does this, gentlemen, smell like the stench of mendacity to you?"
he chided nearby Democrats as they moved away from him in droves, gagging
Fellow Republicans gave Delay a standing ovation, and then another. Several
gave him cars.
Will Delay be shitting himself anytime again in the near future? "That
all depends on the Democrats," he says with supreme confidence. "They
say us Republicans are full of shit. And you know something?... we are!
We're full of it, right up to the eyeballs... and we're just getting started!"
I think Delay may be onto something... if we all soil our own nests here
in America, maybe the terrorists will just leave us alone and go back to
Africa. Or wherever.
Fave Quote: "Hey hey hey!"
Well, don't that just beat all! Sounds like ol' Jimbo done got hisself
Fave Quote: "Heh heh heh..."
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