Reanimated Pope Feels Great, Still Looks Like Hell
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3/2/05
Reports from Vatican insider sources indicate that the Pope has been
feeling better of late, though you sure wouldn't know it to look at him.
He recently underwent a series of experimental treatments for a rare condition
he suffers from known as ROPS, or Really Old Pope Syndrome. These new high-tech
treatments, pioneered by Dr. Haaafhahaar of Miskatonic University, have
brought new life to the bent and wheezing Holy Old Creature that Catholics
just can't get enough of--and this is especially amazing given the fact
that several doctors had only just pronounced him dead several days ago.
"On his last physical, not only was he dead, but it wasn't even
a fresh corpse... I don't mean to sound calloused, but he was ripe as week-old
roadside possum dish! I do his monthly exams, and for the last several years,
they've really been geting more and more like autopsies," said a sheltered
Vatican source identified only as "Doctor Padre."
But now the newly re-animated Pope is up and about, giving blessings
from his window to passing motorcars, cats, clouds and shadows, mumbling
quietly and meaninglessly to himself, drooling and wincing and bending slightly
at the waist, just like the good old days.
How do they do it? Well, part good old American know-how and technical
wizardry, part dark occult science, it all hinges on a new drug known as
ReAnimatrix, a breakthrough medication that makes a person believe
they're alive even when they're not.
"Basically, we cheat death by fooling it," says Dr.
Haaafhahaar. "If you're dead and you don't know you're dead?...
well, that's really not so bad, is it? In fact, that's really the only way
to live. Everyone knows that. Sure they do.
"The pope's health should continue to improve steadily, despite
the fact that he's losing soft tissue at an alarming rate now... we just
keep replacing things, putting patches on him and stuffing him with packing
peanuts and the like, as need be. Soon enough, we will have replaced all
the physical matter. Then we will begin to rebuild him. Stronger, faster,
better. Unstoppable. Unkillable. Holier than thou... holier than anyone.
"A RoboPope... that, gentlemen, is my dream."
Others, however, believe that the necessary robotics technology is still
far out of reach; but strides are being made every day.
"Keeping the whole thing pulled together and humming smoothly for
even an hour at a time for public displays, that requires the work of several
dozen technicians, puppeteers, look-a-likes, stuntmen, prop people and various
others," reveals Donald Murch of Murch Mech, who works with the Miskatonic
lab and Vatican roadies in handling a lot of the high-tech mechanical fx
that allow the current pope to move his eyes and eyebrows and make other
facial twitches, tics and the like. "I did the same thing for Michael
Jackson, but he ruined it, he wouldn't stop picking at it, I told him and
told him but noooo...
"The effect is still not entirely life-like yet," he admits.
"I think our Pope could give Disney's Lincoln a run for his money,
but we wouldn't put him up against a Yoda, for instance, no way... still,
when the wind and the temperature are just right, and we control the lighting
and all, and the Pope gets through a mass or a parade without a major limb
or obvious facial part falling off in front of everyone, well... when we
get lucky like that, it can all come together into a surprisingly wonderful
illusion.
"On the other hand, you should see the stuff they're doing with
digital these days!"
Indeed, the faithful flocks of the Roman Catholic Church have long waited
and hungered for the arrival of an utterly digital Pope, one who might actually
have a little bounce in his step, rather than another in a long line of
feeble diseased decrepit toothless horrible old living mummies... and they
may not be able to wait much longer.
"That Pope is toasted," says Burt Lang of Lang Pawn. "I'm
as Cat'lic as the next guy... but who wants an old toss-pot like that? I
wouldn't give you a sawbuck for him."
Comments:
I don't mean to poo-poo the poor pope, but let's all have a papal pity
party! Whaddaya say? Any comers?
peeper1776@hoohoo.com
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Not to steer too far off-subject, but I like my French fries with lots
n' lots of ketchup... does this make me, like, the most liberal lefty elitist
ever?
boogiebanger@meremortal.com
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I don't trust the pope. I don't see what's so holy about him. He has
a big hat. SO? I have a big hat, but you don't see ME waving it around in
everyone's face like some big cosmic cyanide pie! And that big scepter of
his... why doesn't he just carry a big glow-in-the-dark pickle with him
all day long?
Don't even get me started... and DON'T try to stop me, either!
flamingfoont@ringworm.net
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