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The Hideous Weeks in Review4/08/05 - 4/14/05Top Headline:Delay Shits Self on Congress Floor In Other News:Halliburton Caught Overcharging AgainGreenspan Forecasts Golden Showers
Scary News Archives 3/25-4/7/05 (all news canceled on account of Pope's death) NEWS THAT NEVER GETS OLD:
Gannon/Guckert Story Rumored Buried In Deep Hole Just Outside Vegas |
Fabric Softener Bear Held As Robbery Suspect |
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4/12/05 A long string of bank robberies in the Dallas area is finally over, say authorities at the FBI. The alleged culprit now in custody: None other than Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear! "We had him on security cam, several times, but we were having a hard time getting an ID," says rookie agent John Cooper."He just looked so fuzzy in all the shots; now we can see why." "I wasn't working at all," says the plush perp from the relatively comfy desk drawer he's being kept in for the time being. "You all think I am, but that's not me, it's a computer thing, all digital. I've been replaced by a bullshit bear. The freakin' thing doesn't even exist! Does it know how to love, or to cry? Does it? Does it know the pain of having been to the very heights of fame, only to be tossed away like a used rubber the next day? I hadda do something, man... I'm a magical bear, for chrissakes! And I have a heroin habit to think about too!" Indeed, the lil' creature does look a bit threadworn and rough about the edges, but nothing a bit of soap and water and needle and thread couldn't patch up in a jiffy! "Aww," I say as it blinks its adorable eyes at me, "You're just too cute to convict... even if you are a bit of an asshole." "I'm counting on that," he squeals, then does a sudden somersault and lands on his head, one little ear flopped over comically as he laughs and coos at this sudden misfortune, causing everyone in the FBI booking room to clap their hands and laugh with childlike delight. "I'm a magical bear," he squeaks preciously, "If they're not gonna work me, they should just give me money for free, that's how I see it!" Everyone makes cute baby noises at this rascally little ball of fur. "If Michael Jackson can get away with the shit he does, I can't lose!" You just know his trial is going to get 24/7 coverage. Comments:
You know what's a really good show is that Lost show on tv... that's really good. I see enough real crime every day right in my own backyard. Hell, I've got a girl tied up in my basement! Talk about close to home! It's a scary world out there, alright. shadowphil@wherephilusedtobe.com Fave Quote: "Just put the fucking lotion on..." ------------- If I was on Lost, I'd just vote the monster off the island. vambo@hotcity.net Fave Quote: "Okay!" ------------- You mean that really fat guy? thatlittlevoice@inyerinnerear.net Fave Quote: "Nothin' much." Like to post a comment? Click here: |