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Savage Satire! NeoConspiracies! Terrifying Revelations! Obvious Truths!

  by D X Stone

Do you know why Bush can't get Barney, his own dog, to come anywhere near him?

Cuz dogs can sense evil.

Millions are Horrified!!!

Selected Vintage 2000-04

The GWinch Who Stole Election Day


The Last Words of Dick Cheney's Dying Heart!


Nothing Wrong With MY Gag Reflex


Some Folks I Profoundly Distrust


A Little Clarity


2001 in Review: DEFINITELY NOT as Good as the Movie


How It All Works


 Ted Kennedy Conspiracy Theory


 Polls Indicate Incredible Stupidity


 My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory


 More Mere Foolishness & Frivolity


How The Beatles Saved My Ass


 The Worst Addiction


 Not All That Funny, Actually


And more to come...

























2001 in Review: Not as Good as the Movie

Dan Stone - 12/27/01

The horror... the horror...

This first year of the New Millennium was an utter and complete failure, unfortunate in so many different ways... plagued by terrible writing and inept direction, it was a year nowhere near as good as its movie (the last time this happened was in 1984, the year Reagan marauded throughout the country, stabbing people everywhere he went)... but it was weirdly ironic that 2001 was the year the first of the new GW 2000 series installed itself in the White House, became online and operable, went immediately insane and began closing and locking all the pod bay doors to the dismay of nearly everyone on earth, not to mention most other intelligent species in the universe... the economy shriveled before our very eyes like rose blossoms wilting at the touch of Dracula's shadow, and less than six months into this new and increasingly horrifying misadministration, on the sorry morning of 9/11, it was demonstrated very clearly that our entire 'intelligence community' are neither intelligent nor even reasonably communal in their interrelations with one another... and millions of seemingly teflon-coated, completely-evolution-resistant Americans were suddenly and forcibly pushed through the Eye of Japatus, kicking and screaming... unfortunately, most emerged on the other side not as star children but as babbling idiots, any remaining semblance of rationality completely ruined and degraded beyond repair, all of us utterly, hopelessly mad bastards too blinded by fear and anger and self-righteous denial to see the woods for the trees... instead of experiencing mass enlightenment, we immediately began to bomb the poorest nation in the Third World... now we are all making plans to submit to high colonics, if necessary, every time we want to fly or board a train or bus, and to load up on vaccines and gas masks and emergency supplies in an ever-spiraling crescendo of free-flow paranoia rather than to stop, realize we're not alone in the world and begin to take a more balanced and rational view of America's role in it, and the serious crises all people of every race, nationality and religion share together here in this time of imminent, irresistible change.

...pushiness and arrogance in world leadership is becoming all the rage these days... it's called Bushiness for short...

Concomitantly this year, the growing unrest in Israel, and between India and Pakistan, leading to nuclear threats exchanged openly on either side, something nobody's really too worried about, apparently... pushiness and arrogance in world leadership is becoming all the rage these days... it's called Bushiness for short, and it's cool cuz it's a very pro-wrestling/Jerry-Springer-style, in-your-face, you-ain't-all-dat, talk-to-the-hand kind of diplomacy that's really cool and funny and fresh and stupid and idiotic... doesn't work, but stupid people everywhere around America think it's really, really cool...

We may just have missed the boat for good here... time will tell... as it is, it's not the most auspicious beginning for this new thousand years, if you ask me...

Even scarier still, this was the year Britney Spears declared herself "Not a girl, nor yet a woman"-- but strangely, the major networks made no attempt to learn just what the hell she was anyway then, despite dozens of phone calls and letters, and that's just me alone...

And to add to this seeming frenzy of terror and tragedy, 2001 was the year George Harrison died of cancer, and also the year John Lennon came back from the dead in early November, just as foretold by Jean Dixon, took one look around and immediately killed himself again. Men in Black hushed the whole thing up.

Despite all this chaos and confusion and endless lamentation and weeping and gnashing of teeth, I'm proud to say that during this year, within these many columns, I've called our new president by the following names and/or descriptive terms:

Mr. Presentabable, a freakin' gangster, Bush the Youngster, the Bushster, the Royal Bush-Baby, not even a very convincing illusion, a Master Communicatator, Prez Dispenser Butch, a semi-sentient eggplant in an expensive suit, the goofy sock-puppet we've been given to interact with, an obvious clone and H. P. Lovecraft's The Squatter in the Oval Office (actually, I just made that one up, but it counts cuz it's still this year!), In the plural, I've referred to him and his main lieutenants as madmen, morons and murderers, "those same hairballs", Bush and Co., "the Wile E. Coyotes they really are" and "nothing but frontmen for business and industry purposefully derailing the economy and creating a power crisis through inaction, constant criticism and cries of recession."

I also opined openly and sincerely that "Mr. Bush's head is filled with packing peanuts", and pointed out the fact that "the Bushes are old-money landed aristocracy who've maintained intimate long-term connections to the highest levels of military and political power for the last 400 years or so, both here and in England"... and I singlehandedly blew the lid off the overall Bush Family Dynasty Plan to dominate and ransom the whole world for fuel, food and water, unto forever: "...they call it the "Alan Parsons Project", and say it's brand-new... but the last time this sort of thing happened, it was the beginning of something called THE GREAT DEPRESSION," I warned at that time, a chilling and ominous warning that will seem all the more chilling and ominous if and when it ever does come true... if not, never mind.

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put one in the White House?"

"Better yet, why can't we put that guy in the White House on the moon?"

In my review of his first 100 days, I wrote that Bush "has declared war on the environment, the American labor force, the English language and most commonly-accepted conclusions of our basic sciences", and "has done more serious and irreparable damage to the world in this short time than Godzilla did in all his films put together." And that was well before 9/11.

I asked the rhetorical questions, "If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put one in the White House?" and "Better yet, why can't we put that guy in the White House on the moon?"... and again, as it's still this year yet, I wanna add now that when I watched the pre-Christmas Barbara Walters' interview with GW and his wife, I couldn't help but notice that the man could not get his dog, his own pet, to even approach him, though he tried on two seperate occasions... which I believe proves the old adage that dogs can sense evil...

I penned the last-gasp words of Dick Cheney's Dying Heart, just weeks before Cheney had it removed, having no real use for one anyway... and I gave the world the unforgettable image of our creepy veepee wipin' his butt with newborn babies (other people's, of course) and wailin', "This isn't soft enough!"

I also made it a point to kick Rush Limbaugh, repeatedly, as often and as savagely as humanly possible, among many, many others.

As you can well imagine, I'm pretty proud of myself... all in all it's been a pretty good year for humor of the bleakest, blackest sort imaginable, something I don't just do but something I actually am... I'm just a bunch of jokes, folks... I've hollered myself hoarse into these hurricane winds, but my words seem a foreign language to my fellow citizens, and so my earnest and angry blows against the empire must perforce remain crude graffiti for the present, writ in the darkness of an endless tunnel with no light in sight, read by few, understood by fewer still...

The only other good thing that happened this year that I'm aware of was Lord of the Rings... everything else pretty much sucked.

But I think I'll stop wasting my breath, stop criticizing the administration altogether next year... just get behind the prez now like everyone else, if only to hide...

All Evil Toons, All The Time!

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