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"Isn't that just uniquely American?"


"Seventeen assholes! That's gotta be a new world record!

Related story:

Doctor Says Jacko "Much Too Sick A Fuck" To Stand Trial

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Now It Can FINALLY Be Told!

Michael Jackson Has At Least 17 Assholes!

 Child accuser claims Jackson has had numerous assholes implanted at all sorts of interesting locations of his body.



 Stigmata, or simply anal leakage?


 Michael Jackson's child accuser now claims that Jackson has numerous "asshole implants" installed all over his body in the 90's.

The prosecution in Jackson's current trial is asking for a total-body audit of the ailing and oft-whimpering pop star, to determine if this allegation of multiple assholes, unprecedented in the history of the American bar, is indeed the case... but defense is resisting. "Mr. Jackson's assholes are protected by privacy statutes, and should not be violated in this way. Like Michael himself, his assholes are VERY sensitive, and cannot be exposed to light without risking serious permanent damage to American pop culture."

"This is ridiculous," Jacko tearfully told AP reporters outside of the courthouse the other day. "I just happen to have been born with a very rare and painful and difficult condition wherein my body produces extra anuses here and there, from time to time. It's not funny, and it's not a joke. I have had a number of extra rectums removed over the years, NOT the other way around!

"This happens to MANY people, all the time. It doesn't prove anything, except that I am an eternal magical child of nature who just happens to sprout new noses and assholes on a regular and constant basis, sometimes."



How many assholes can YOU see in this picture?

"Does it make me a monster, just because I have gills where my nipples should be and breathe liquid nitrogen and just LOVE LITTLE BOYS and can poop in all directions at once?" Jackson continued. "I am absolutely HORRIFIED by these hurtful lies! It hurts my ears, just hearing them! Ow! OOOOWWWW!

"That boy is NOT a good boy. He is simply devilish!"

Reached for comment in a seedy bar in NJ, syndicated columnist Anne Coulter said, "Boy, would I like to have a probe or two at him!"

And by the way, while we're on the subject, what the hell happened to his unit?

Coming Soon: MORE Incredibly Scary Stories That Will Likely Be Utterly Ignored By The Strangely Self-Defeating Liberal News Media of America!

All Evil Toons, All The Time!

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