President Evil Online presents
"Isn't that just
"Seventeen assholes! That's gotta be
a new world record!
Doctor Says Jacko
"Much Too Sick A Fuck" To Stand Trial
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Now It Can FINALLY Be Told!
Michael Jackson Has At Least 17 Assholes!
Child accuser claims Jackson has
had numerous assholes implanted at all sorts of interesting locations of
Stigmata, or simply anal leakage?
Michael Jackson's child accuser now claims that Jackson
has numerous "asshole implants" installed all over his body in
The prosecution in Jackson's current trial is asking for
a total-body audit of the ailing and oft-whimpering pop star, to determine
if this allegation of multiple assholes, unprecedented in the history of
the American bar, is indeed the case... but defense is resisting. "Mr.
Jackson's assholes are protected by privacy statutes, and should not be
violated in this way. Like Michael himself, his assholes are VERY sensitive,
and cannot be exposed to light without risking serious permanent damage
to American pop culture."
"This is ridiculous," Jacko tearfully told AP
reporters outside of the courthouse the other day. "I just happen to
have been born with a very rare and painful and difficult condition wherein
my body produces extra anuses here and there, from time to time. It's not
funny, and it's not a joke. I have had a number of extra rectums removed
over the years, NOT the other way around!
"This happens to MANY people, all the time. It doesn't
prove anything, except that I am an eternal magical child of nature who
just happens to sprout new noses and assholes on a regular and constant
How many assholes can YOU see in this picture?
"Does it make me a monster, just because I have gills
where my nipples should be and breathe liquid nitrogen and just LOVE LITTLE
BOYS and can poop in all directions at once?" Jackson continued. "I
am absolutely HORRIFIED by these hurtful lies! It hurts my ears, just hearing
them! Ow! OOOOWWWW!
"That boy is NOT a good boy. He is simply devilish!"
Reached for comment in a seedy bar in NJ, syndicated columnist
Anne Coulter said, "Boy, would I like to have a probe or two at him!"
And by the way, while we're
on the subject, what the hell happened to his unit?