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  by D X Stone
Death & Destruction Bestride the dark land While Horror & Humor Walk hand in hand...

Hideous Obscenity of the Week (Apr. 8-14, 2005)
United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld:

The Green Gobbler

The Green Gobbler is named not for the color and texture of his skin underneath all that "human" makeup; rather it derives from the fact that, like many of his kind in politics and business, he actually eats money.

His unique coloring is said to be a result of this first cause; there is something in the ink that is used to print US currency that binds to the melatonin in the skin, causing a gradual "greening" effect... 






This bizarre and unholy practice is also highly addictive, and the chemical is said to stack up in the r-complex of the brain, the limbic system, seat of our most basic drives, the autonomic functions of heart and lung and basic reflexes such as fight or flight, basic strategies of deceit, and the ever-paramount desire to procreate...

Long-term abuse of wealth of this sort causes a slow but steady reptilianization of the individual, both physically and mentally...

The Green Gobbler is thus a highly cold-blooded and territorial monster; his behaviours are mostly limited to constant defensive splaying and territory acquisition, and his cunning mind is ever-watchful for new conquests. Like any reptile, he has no conscience at all, and would eat his own children at the first twinge of hunger. He has actually done this several times when he found himself short of cash, but no charges were filed as no bodies could be produced... because whether it's money or the skull and femurs of your very own first-born, the Green Gobbler ALWAYS eats EVERYTHING on its plate.

The Gobbler hates and fears three things most of all: Democracy, sunlight and Spiderman.

Mr. Rumsfeld makes the Hideous Obscenity of the Week Roster this time around for stating emphatically early in the week that the US does not have an exit strategy out of Iraq... which makes us think it likely that the US must finally have a super-secret exit strategy out of Iraq.

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