Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld arrived in New Orleans bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed, only 5 1/2 days into the increasingly gruesome and terrible
domestic crisis brought on by the destructive fury of Hurricane Katrina...
but instead of standing around doing phony photo-ops like his commander-in-chief,
Mr. Rumsfeld didn't just roll up his sleeves but doffed his suit, tie and
expensive designer shirt and dove right in... into the flood waters themselves!!!
"WHEEE! HOOEEY! WHOOP! YOP! Hey, this isn't so bad! C'mon, everybody!
If I can do it, so can you! COME ON IN! THE WATER'S FINE!!!"
No one took him up on his invitation to join him in the murky waters,
which stank "like the pits of Hell," according to one witness.
Rumsfeld, however, stayed frolicking playfully in the waters until near
sunset, when he told some onlookers that he "was getting hungry"--then
suddenly dove deep and headed off ("like a torpedo or something"
said another witness) in the direction of Tammany Parish.
He has not been seen since.
President Butch took an opportunity today to praise Rumsfeld "for
all he is doing to alleviate the suffering of the the unhealthy, unwashed
masses of LucyAnna," as he put it, at a ceremony in the Rose Garden
where he awarded the absent Secretary a Congressional Medal of Honor and
a Nobel Peace Prize, the actual origins of which are yet unknown. When a
member of the press pointed out that Rumsfeld wasn't actually there helping
and was in fact missing entirely, the President gave him a nasty look and
told him to go fuck a duck.