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The Hideous Weeks in Review

3/11 - 3/24/05

Top Headline:

White House To Be Painted Black!

In Other News:

Maureen Dowd Disappears Suddenly -- Just Like a Woman!

Doctor Says Jacko "Much Too Sick A Fuck" To Stand Trial

God Orders Infinite Pizza With The Works

Alan Greenspan Says Evil is Good!

Major Scientific Study Finds Nothing Much Happening

Held Over for 6 Weeks Running:

Dick Cheney's Head Explodes!












Related story:

Michael Jackson Has 17 Assholes!

(very likely a new world record!)






















Michael Jackson Trial Delayed Again!

Doctor Says Jacko Is "Much Too Sick a Fuck" To Stand Trial

Jackson as he appeared only weeks ago, mugging for his many fans...
...and just look at him now, the poor poor dear! Sad lovely little angel-child!

 "I feel like about a million bucks!" whimpers stricken pop freakshow.



"What a weinie," said the Jackson's personal physician, who asked not to be identified by name, as his work sometimes requires him to actually touch Michael Jackson. "I used to be a fan of his work, not real huge but I liked him okay... but y'know, ever since he got into this child-humping thing of his, it's just not the same... I don't know what it is; maybe it's the sheer bleak black hopeless ugly evil of it, maybe that's it."

Last Thursday, Jackson was late for trial for the third time in two weeks, causing the judge to threaten him with contempt of court charges if he failed to appear. He did eventually put in a showing, proffering the excuse that his health has been poor of late.

"I don't understand the problem," Jackson told a crowd of mooing newscows outside the courthouse. "I sent Tito to pick up any homework for me every day!. I would have made any work up later, but that judge... I think that judge is devilish," he said in a really creepy and smirking and, well, totally devilish way.

"Anyway, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him physically--except for that weird little cuckoo-clock brain of his, and his utterly fucked-up personality... oh yes, and his face," the doctor concludes. "And no doctor in the world can help him with THAT, not now."

"I'll let you in on a little secret," he concludes again. "That "nose" of his?... it's not human tissue! I took a sample, and it's not like anything I've ever seen in any chemistry text... it's NOT human, and it's not animal tissue either... I don't know what the hell it is! And this is the worst thing of it: Whatever it is, it's alive..."

"Maybe that's the source of the pervasive stench of evil that emenate from him now; it's as if he were this hideous creeping creature of the night now," he concludes for the third time now, which is really starting to piss me off.

"That nose is not of this earth!" he concludes once more, with true and final finality this time, as I reach my limit and interrupt the interview to accidentally strangle him to death with his own stethoscope.

I mean, how many times are you gonna conclude, huh? You couldn't just say your piece and shut up, could you? Luke at you now! Joo stupid fuck!



I might not vote for Michael again... I don't think it's right to molest children, especially without a priest present! You know, to make sure things are done properly!


That seems mean, rubbing Michael's poor lil' nose-nub in the fact that he doesn't have a nose anymore... I liked the third one best, he should go back to that one! But c'mon! Be serious! If all of life IS some big cosmic cyanide pie, and we're all up to our eyeballs in it, I just gotta follow that energetic little shriek-weasel wherever he may lead! He's just so damn sexy, nose or no!

And besides, he's so SENSITIVE!... I'll bet he's a very gentle rapist.


I'm sure he already "NOSE"! Hahahaha! ROTFLSHISM!

DAMN! I just rolled on the floor laughing so hard I shit myself!

I'll get you for this! Somebody! ANYBODY!


I never trusted Jackson. I don't think he should be allowed to contribute to the delinquency of a monkey; I'm in jail for it, so why should he go free?

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