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The Hideous Weeks in Review3/11 - 3/24/05Top Headline:White House To Be Painted Black! In Other News:Maureen Dowd Disappears Suddenly -- Just Like a Woman! Doctor Says Jacko "Much Too Sick A Fuck" To Stand Trial God Orders Infinite Pizza With The Works Alan Greenspan Says Evil is Good! Major Scientific Study Finds Nothing Much Happening
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A major new report from a prestigious American university reveals that, for the vast majority of the populace, life in the United States these past 30 years has been rather aimless and pointless and sadly pathetic. Except within the single area of cinema, apparently very little of real merit has managed to be accomplished in this entire near-third of a century: no rocket-cars, no cancer cure, no major advancements in civil and human rights struggles, no major breakthroughs in understanding who we as humans are, and why we're here. Instead, this is how, on average, most Americans spent those last three decades of precious non-negotiable time that they will never get back: 33% Sleeping 38% Working 6% Eating 12% Drinking heavily 0.5% Making love 3% Fucking 0.5% Taking a dump 2% Hogging the bathroom 8% Spankin' the monkey 4% Repairin' the weedwhacker 1% Just walkin' yo dog 20% Crack 29% Watching tv 4% Watching lava lamp on top of the tv 4% Counting calories 0.42% Church/Praying 0.5% Weeping Uncontrollably 0.08% Reading
Further breakdown of the time put into watching tv (last decade only): 38% Soaps/Oprah/Cops 9% CSI: Horrible Mutilations Bureau 9% CSI: Hideous Bloated Drowning Victim Close-up Unit 9% Desperate Housewives 9% Fake reality shows 7% Shows about blind surgeons/hip young middle-aged lawyers with bad haircuts 59% Sports/Infomercials 3% Star Trek spinoffs/Buffy 6% Simpsons/South Park 3% MTV 0.0027% Cosmos, Nature To be absolutely fair to the scientific community at large, it should be noted that this ground-breaking study only involved one individual named Mike--"But Mike's a VERY average dude," says head researcher Simon Lark. "He's like totally Joe Average, scientifically speaking." And to be fair to Mike, there really hasn't been much of anything good on tv for the last 30 years, even with cable. Comments: If nothing's happening, why make such a big deal of it? Why am I even wasting time writing this response? What the hell is wrong with you? Or is it ME?... WOW... DUDE! shotputchamp@unbelievablefealty.com ------------- Don't be sad, snookums!... can I offer you a nice slice of some big cosmic cyanide pie? It's what's for dinner. shotbuttchump@communitygym.org ------------- Very good, Luke... but you are still not a Jedi yet! Huh?... HUH? igottapuppetinmypants@hardbend.org ------------- I don't trust science. Science is just a game scientists play. They cut you open and pull out your heart and toss it around awhile until it finally lands right in a puddle of scum; then they put it back but they swap it with your spleen, like THAT'S real funny and real mature; then they sew you up with old fishing line or shoelaces or any old crap that's around, or just leave you to finish the job yourself. Scientists suck. Science is what killed all the bears. The next guy who wants to cut me up is going to have to marry me first! igottagopumpitinmypants@hachacha.cha Like to post a comment? Click here: |