In a surprising turn of events, this year's Academy Awards celebration
saw an unprecedented series of upsets when key high-level members of the
Butch administration literally swept up every single award. "They came
barging their way into the ceremony right after the cameras stopped rolling
and just took all the Oscars away; they were actually laughing as they did
it," said an obviously frustrated Clint Eastwood. "If only I'd
come armed, like I usually do."
Many celebs were surprised that the administration chose to hijack the
Oscar gold in such an openly aggressive way. "I wouldn't have been
at all surprised if they'd simply fixed the contest results, like they do
with elections," said Glenn Close. "They've shown great competency
with that... so why this?... I just don't get it."
"There was a definite pirate-like demeanor to all of them; they
seemed drunk on liquor, or power, or both--and believe me, I've been there,
and I know it when I see it--anyway, they were really boisterous,"
relates Dustin Hoffman. "Rumsfeld put a few people in headlocks right
off. He's an old wrester, ya know? And Bush-- jeez! Bush had this sword,
I think it was an old cutlass, a real one. He was waving it around
and going WHOOP! WHOOP! LOOK AT ME, I'M THE BIGGEST MONKEY IN THE JUNGLE!
"The Secret Service had the place locked down, and had everybody
covered with machine guns, and they just stood there real silent and mean-lookin',
like the Blockheads in those old Gumby cartoons-- but a few of us still
had a little fight left in 'em. Hillary Swank tried to hold onto hers, and,
y'know, she's pretty tough in that movie... but Bush didn't need that sword
at all, he tossed it aside and just bitch-slapped her silly... I mean COMPLETELY
silly." he continues, grinning, then giggling, then bursting out laughing
maniacally. "I mean, it was really mean and unfair, but funny too...
y'know, I guess you just had to be there."
"God help us all," he concluded, his voice suddenly deeply
sad and almost infinitely weary.
The next morning, White House spokesman Scott McClellan held an early
press conference in which he admonished the media not to speak a word about
the events of the previous night to anyone, in any form, on penalty of treason.
McClellan cited "security concerns and secret new government secrecy
acts", both of which he could not go into in any detail, again for
"security reasons", and also made reference to a mysterious "whoever
gets it, gets it" rule; but then he dismissed further discussion on
the subject, stating simply, "There's a war on. Two wars, actually...
and more on the way any day now," he said, glancing at his watch ominously.
"Besides, the last election gave the administration an absolute mandate.
They can do anything they want to now."
"The best part of the night was when Dick
Cheney's head exploded; we all agreed that it was ultimately worth it
for that," said almost every Oscar attendee polled.
Read more about Dick Cheney's Exploding Head.
I miss Ronald Reagan... now there was an actor! He was so good, he made
me believe a man could fly... so I jumped off my roof and broke my leg!
Didn't hurt, though!
This is just like Republicans, to steal all the gold and give us nothing
but magic beans in return... and if we refuse them, they throw it in our
faces like some sort of big cosmic cyanide pie!
Don't remind me, though... everything pisses me off!
I didn't trust the liberal elitists! They cry every time you steal there
Oscars, but where did they get them Oscars? They stole them themselves,
them them, that's what!
I can't tell you're a lefty, and I really don't trust anyone or any thing
or things BUT George W Bush and his cackling henchmen... you bleeding heart
dumbell! monsters and muckalucks everywhere!
I just wanted to say so... oh well... keep up the good work!
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