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Current News of Immense Social Significance:


 "I feel like about a million bucks!" whimpers stricken pop freakshow.

Doctor Says Jacko Is "Much Too Sick a Fuck" to Stand Trial

The Scary News

This Hideous Week in Review


Top Headline:

Bush Administration Sweeps Oscars!

In Other News:

Dick Cheney's Head Explodes!

Gannon/Guckert Story Rumored Buried In Deep Hole Just Outside Vegas

Reanimated Pope Feels Great, Looks Like Hell

AARP Under Attack By Rockets, Killer Robots

Grim Reaper Had a Great Year in '04













The Gwinch Who Stole Election Day

A disturbing bit of dark poetry...


 Gannon/Guckert Story Rumored Buried In Deep Hole Just Outside Vegas


(AP) Bloggers and political activists across the internet remain unable to get any sort of traction or coverage on the shadowy and sketchy and extremely slippery when wet Jeff Gannon/James Guckert gay-male-prostitute-plant-in-the-White-House-pressroom story. The story seems to have disappeared completely off the media map; and in the absence of further information, an abundance of rumors have begun swirling around the internet. Some say that this disappearance happened somewhere in the area over Bermuda and its infamous Triangle of Impenetrable Mystery; others have whispered of an unmarked grave in the desert right next to Jimmy Hoffa.

And some even mutter that the story will NEVER die, that it roams the Vegas backroad highways, seeking its lost home... and that someday it will return to haunt this vaunted White House to utter ruin, and to destroy the Evil Edifice that mass media has become, to blind the Fiery Eye of TV so that it may hypnotize the masses no more...

Yep, some pretty good spicy legends out there already, considering it's only been a week or so...

One of the more persistent tales is that of an unidentified White House aide claiming to have overheard White House spokesman Scott McClellan whisper to Bush, "The Gannon story sleeps with the fishes." Then Bush said, "Huh?" and McClellan said, "The Gannon story. It's dead. Gone Finished. Vamoose. It NEVER HAPPENED," to which Bush queried, "Wha?"

"The problem is, none of this can be proved," said Ted Koppel. "I mean, not without some sort of investigation and probing and resources and time and personnel... and that's just something we don't have at any major news organization, I want to tell you!

"The extreme time pressures of the modern 24-hour news cycle are just tremendous," Koppel continues, looking pained, as if the memory of a deep wound had come suddenly to the fore. "It's like living in a bubble, without food, or oxygen, or human contact of any kind." He clutches his forehead in sudden anguish. "We newsmen are trapped alone, all alone in a giant bubble, and there are millions and millions of people out there waiting for us to get the news to them, and the fact is, we just can't keep up!" he says, chuckling warmly of a sudden and flashing his trademark smile, and suddenly everything is just fine once again. "What with commercials and reruns and the endless give and take of frick and frack, we simply run out of time! And before you know it, it all starts all over again... and that's all part of the noble and true tradition of all-American media! Go America! Down with Saddam!

"Yes," I agree, "But what the fuck does all that mean?"

"It means that... sometimes... we make up a lot of the good news... and sometimes, just sometimes, we ignore some of the bad. It's easier for everyone that way."

Not everyone agrees with Koppel, though, despite whatever he may believe in his own bizarre foggy Hairdo Paradise & Bubble of Tortured Solitude.

"In basic political parlance, normally this is the sort of story that could just 'blow your face out'," says Norman Port of Norman & Friends, a small DC government watchdog group, so small they only have one actual watchdog. "But Bush is different. I don't know how to explain it; it's as if he has some sort of steel face or something. It's not even a face at all; it's like some sort of hideous invincible mask of doom!" he finishes on a high note, then begins crying like a little girl.

I've been to the desert. I visited the cities. I watched 99 different channels of tv.

The winds blow through the canyons, the cities, the phosphor-boxes that dot the American landscape like a billion points of light, offering their faint glow, their false light and phony warmth to the benighted citizenry of America. And I find no mention of the Guckert/Gannon story. It's as if it never really existed at all.



I gots nuthin'...



Well, what can one say, hmmm?... I guess there IS nothing to say, except c'est la vie!

Not to be, like, French or anything...



I don't trust the media. I once dated the media, and it cheated on me every single chance it could get! It was a total whore! It would hump anything that moved, and a lotta things that didn't! It lied all the time about where it was and what it was doing; it got to the point where I don't think that damn media coulda told me the truth if its life depended on it! It had lost the ability!

Don't even get me started!


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