AARP Under Attack by Rockets, Giant Killer Robots
The Bush administration has given old people everywhere another reason
to say "Ah, to hell with everything!" not to mention, "Leave
me alone, dammit! Can't you see I'm old and in the way?"
In response to the American Association of Retired Persons' legal maneuverings
to help block proposed changes in Social Security, the Pentagon has mounted
a "defensive attack" on the AARP, using small rockets launched
by big scary killer robots to take out a number of old folks homes across
America. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld accuses this consortium of
geezers with duplicity, coercion, bribery, multiplicity, distortion, theft,
invasion of privacy, mumbling, frail bones and the possession of 'treasonable
accoutrements', WHATEVER the hell THAT means.
"Look," said Rumsfeld to a crowd of fearful, mewling, loathsome
liberal-biased media journalists, "Who are you gonna trust? A buncha
old worn-out gas-bags with three non-green teeth to share between the whole
lot of 'em? Or would you rather listen to the voice of reason, coming from
"But you just killed a bunch of people!" shouted one brave
"Well, when you look at it rationally, how much longer would those
people have lived anyway?" came Rumsfeld's matter-of-fact response.
"They were all old and sick; when you think about it, we did them a
"But you didn't just kill old people! You killed innocent people
"Your government kills innocent people every day," he went
on in that casual, nonchalant, easy manner that has made him famous worldwide.
"And we do it all for you, so you don't have to. This is a new kind
of war; these old people are spread out all over the place, so we had to
do whatever. Big deal. They got in the way of progress. They were pestering
and terrorizing me. I take great pride in my job. Is that all?"
Rumsfeld is himself over 120 years old, but is also a wealthy man and
shows no signs of slowing down. "I'm having too much fun killing people,"
he shouted at the pack of craven newsjockeys as he boarded his private plane
to take off for Disneyland, where he will be busy for the next several weeks
killing from afar, by computer, while hiding from further press invasiveness.
I'm just too old for this kind of crap...
I am an octogenarian myself, and I just can't remember the last time...
I can't remember what I was gonna say.
I don't trust the old. They are crafty as cats, and they don't care who
they hurt, as long as they get one more chance to hog the bathroom.
And don't even get me started on dead people... dead people SUCK!
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