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Trapped For Five Days With Plenty of Supplies, STILL Turns to Cannibalism

The answer to the mystery of our nation's missing VP, unseen or heard from during this entire last frenetic week of chaos in The Big Easy, has finally been solved. Though the official story claims our elusive VP was off shopping for high-tops with Condi Rice, the truth is stranger still... little did anyone suspect that Cheney had been in New Orleans the entire time, deep underground in just one of the many secret shadow-government lairs in various undisclosed locations that he is said to move back and forth to when night brings solace and shadows, and the moon is hidden behind dark clouds (though no one has actually seen these movements, and everyone's too afraid to ask him about it directly.)

Despite plenty of fresh air, water, food and medical supplies, Cheney was discovered cannibalizing several of his own emergency clones. He is rumored to have an almost infinite abundance of these creatures, which he grows mainly for medicinal purposes, and to assure his fiendish and unnatural immortality, thus cheating Death AND the Devil, til the ends of eternity.

He was discovered by a pair of his own Halliburton bodyguards, apparent newbies who popped the bunker's hatch and fled screaming in terror, thus forfeiting any pension they might have hoped for in the future.

Cheney emerged bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and immediately announced he was going to Disneyland. He shrugged off questions of his alleged cannibalism with a shrug and a sneer.





"With respect to the subject of my activities within my secret lairs,  all such discussions fall under the category of National Security, and so even asking me about it is like asking to be arrested and locked up... as to what I do with my own clones, on my own time--that is my OWN business, and I'd appreciate it if the news media would not attempt to politicize it. If I want to eat me, I'll eat me. If I want to go fuck myself, that's entirely up to me.

"Now go fuck yourself."

Cheney's single comment on the hurricane and it's terrible aftermath: "What hurricane?"






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