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by D X Stone
Unca' Dubya says:
Exploding frogs in your back yard builds character.

Preview: Next Week's News

The Scary News

  Scary! New! Weekly!

This Hideous Week in Review

3/04/05 - 3/10/05

Top Headline:

White House To Be Painted Black!

In Other News:

Maureen Dowd Disappears Suddenly -- Just Like a Woman!

Doctor Says Jacko "Much Too Sick A Fuck" To Stand Trial

God Orders Infinite Pizza With The Works

Alan Greenspan Says Evil is Good!

Major Scientific Study Finds Nothing Much Happening



News Archives

















Alan Greenspan Says Evil Is Good!

(And Thus It MUST Be So!)

Fed Chief One-Ups Wall Street's Gordon Gecko in the Insane Motto Sold as Deep Wisdom Department 


"Evil is good!" said Alan Greenspan in a recent lecture to a group of minor demons from beyond the limits of this tiny, pathetic little dimension of existence we humans inhabit. "The humans are weak and soft," Greenspan continued to immense applause, much flapping of slimy gelatinous tentacles, and strange sucking sounds. "They know only one thing, they were made for only one thing, and that is to work and to suffer and to die for the glory of We, their Eternal Masters! We feed on that work and that misery and suffering, and it is good indeed! All indicators continue at present to indicate that the influx of nominal pressures in the good-evil matrix can be further maximized by a thorough and ongoing commitment to the tenets of evil, as established by our Lord and Dark Master, Satan, from whom all good things flow."

Greenspan spoke to these denizens of Hell from the interior of an incredibly high-tech pentagram with blinking lights and everything. He called them from the pits of the inferno over the weekend, when press coverage of the Fed is more lax, as this is the time when most financial reporters for major news networks are hanging upside down in dark closets, napping. But the story was leaked when one of three homeless women who'd been taken for human sacrifices to lure and appease the demons managed to escape and tell her tale to a nearby web blogger, mere moments before both of them were suddenly, mysteriously decapitated in one of those rare and extremely bizarre huge-flying-sheet-of-glass accidents.

Greenspan says he's learned his lesson. "The constraints placed upon captives in all future dark transactions must be suitably insured by not only the use of common bonds, such as are traded and utilized world-wide, but also stocks, the old wooden kind, and a good whole-head hood that ties snugly about the neck. We must never underestimate the refining features of the human survival mechanism, as animate on average within the general populace, no matter the level of exhaustion, malnutrition or drunkenness that may seem to weigh upon such disposition, aproportional of outcome... wha? What the? What the hell was I just saying?"

"Evil isn't just good--evil is the new good!" said propoganda minister Scott McClellan with an expression so flat you could play poker on it. "9/11 changed everything. Tall is short! Young is old! Hate is love! Death is life!

"Now excuse me while I go make love to a dead person," he finishes, laughing a very, very strange laugh and running away at top speed


I might vote for Greenspan again... I'm gonna have to wait, though, and see how this Apocalypse thing turns out first!

Fave Quote: "I'm doing the dishes."


Greenspan would have us believe that the economy is some big cosmic cyanide pie, and that the science of modern economics was his own personal design and invention... but learned as he may be, the fatal flaw in his methodology is, he wants all the money for himself, he wants it ALL... and even though I should know better, even though I KNOW he's full of shit up to his eyeballs, I just gotta follow the big lug wherever he may lead! He's just so damn sexy!

It's not his fault. He means well, but I'll bet even HE doesn't actually understand a word he's saying most of the time

I know I don't.

Fave Quote: "Arguments are for basketballs."


Now I can't find my hat!... Greenspan, you Unstoppable Crapinator! I'll get you for this!


I never trusted Greenspan. He always has that look on his face like he just ate something that tastes just like ass... anything from Taco Bell, for instance...

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