President Evil Online: The net's ONLY horror n' humor political parody website!

Savage Satire! NeoConspiracies! Terrifying Revelations! Obvious Truths!

  by D X Stone

Great Evil can come from innocent mistakes and small miscalculations....

How much worse when by actual malevolent design?

Millions are Horrified!!!

Selected Vintage 2000-04

The GWinch Who Stole Election Day


The Last Words of Dick Cheney's Dying Heart!


Nothing Wrong With MY Gag Reflex


Some Folks I Profoundly Distrust


A Little Clarity


2001 in Review: DEFINITELY NOT as Good as the Movie


How It All Works


 Ted Kennedy Conspiracy Theory


 Polls Indicate Incredible Stupidity


 My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory


 More Mere Foolishness & Frivolity


How The Beatles Saved My Ass


 The Worst Addiction


 Not All That Funny, Actually


And more to come...


























































What Is and Isn't Clear

Dan Stone - 2/21/02

...some official in North Korea called Bush "evil incarnate" yesterday (and I just wanna say right here, I'm an American, baby!...and I called him that first!)

Gee whiz, the world sure is complicated and chaotic these days! One can hardly keep up with all the frenetic particulars of this whirlwind of social decay and degradation tearing at the very fabric of the world we once knew, and right before our eyes yet--unless, of course, you're like many people who watch a lot of tv and have no idea what I'm talking about, no real grasp of this major national crisis we're in... oh yes, you heard about the horror in New York, and are still trying to get a grip on that, but perhaps you're still working, and are therefore still largely unaware of the sudden economic and social catastrophe we are at this moment experiencing, the massive unemployment and uncontrolled corporate piracy, the sudden burgeoning escalation of wars, and rumors of wars, all over the world in places you can't possibly pronounce, so why expect your president to?... there are really just too many wars to follow at all, wars, wars, wars, day in, day out... and famine, and plague and pestilence... boy, the Bushies certainly have all their ponies in a row, by gum... now that's organization!... but hey, America, I got an idea!... let's not say or do anything at all, whattaya say, fellow citizens?... let's just stand here with our heads stuck in the sand and our butts nice and high, so our leaders and other supposed keepers of the public trust will find it as convenient as possible to screw us at their whim, whenever they get a hankerin'... and we'll just wait and see how much damage they'll manage to do this next year! Everything seems pretty screwed up now, but believe me, these guys are just getting started!

I don't suppose it would help if I publicly called for the impeachment of the whole Bush team again, would it?

Clearly, someone with a real voice and just a dollop of courage should've been doing this already... where, oh where have all the journalists gone?... the Hamptons?... ohhh...

I know, we're under attack... well, we were under attack, six months ago... and to be honest, somehow I get the idea the terrorists have already shot their load with the Towers... they got luckier then they even dared to dream, considering that their weapon of choice was a boxcutter... and I don't really think we'll be seeing anything that devastating for some time, not from the Taliban, anyway... but I can see how it would be in the interests of the Bush Machine to keep the wayward herd in a state of warlike readiness, to keep our attention diverted from the real crises in our own backyards, which is why he's out there every day shooting his mouth off and giving everybody in Europe nervous tics... most of the peoples of the civilized world are reasonably frightened by these new crazy leaders of ours, who have been acting crazier than Jim Carrey on a nitrous bender ever since they seized office... I firmly believe these attacks would probably not have occurred under any other presidential administration with an ounce of diplomacy or tact... at any rate, the threat the Taliban posed has passed for the present, but Bush is past mincing words now, he's out there callin' everyone on at once... some official in North Korea called him "evil incarnate" yesterday (and I just wanna say right here, I'm an American, baby!...and I called him that first!)... anyway, at this point, the only reason I see to get behind these guys now is to push their incompetent asses out the door as quickly as possible.

But I'm not so sure that's going to happen.

To paraphrase Martin Sheen from Apocalypse Now, lately here in America the bullshit's stackin' up so fast ya gotta have wings to stay above it... of course, he was talking about Nam... but that's apropos cuz, to quote another ancient source, in this case the Firesign Theatre (from the Marx and Lennon album), "They're bringing the war back home!"... yes, America, those are real teethmarks in your ass, yes, that's your blood and yes it hurts like hell... but the really scary thing you all don't want to admit is that the enemy isn't out there speaking a foreign language and reading a foreign bible, they're right here garbling both the form and meaning of your own native tongue, they've occupied your White House in a sudden hostile takeover and are behaving exactly like the obvious gangsters they are...

This New World Order seems to me nothing more nor less than a return to the Dark Ages, a controlled decay back to feudalism and endless class warfare... of course, the upper class has the advantage here more than ever in history, given that they're well-organized and well-funded and well-fed and well-rested and well-armed and well-connected and well, pretty much unbeatable... they own all the means of production of food and all other necessities, and have been on the attack relentlessly for nearly thirty years now to deprive us of the few small victories hard-won in the strife of the civil rights and labor movements of the 50's and 60's... they've spent that entire time dividing us all one against the other, kept us incoherent and distracted endlessly with mindlessness to occupy our every moment... and at this point it seems the best the lower classes can manage to fend off this crippling juggernaut offensive is to increase their levels of drugs and fucking and hoping with all their might that they'll drop dead on the hamster wheel one of these days so they don't have to face the hideous lack of a future they've left for their children... they can all sense it, looming on the horizon... no matter how complex and confusing this all may be, we have our animal senses to warn us when danger is near... everyone reading this right now, you know what I say is true...

Here's some clarity for ya... I think it can be said with confidence that:

The collapse of Enron has revealed that not only is the entire financial system inherently corrupt, but so are all the accountants and auditors and watchdog bureaucracies surrounding it; and that if what they were doing wasn't technically illegal, then a lot of others are doing the very same thing.

Which means that you can't trust the market at all... which is bad, cuz the market is a confidence game at best... it relies on the faith and gullibility of the small investor to keep it going.

And the fact that nobody in the business press sounded the alarm long ago means that they are complicit in this looting, and thoroughly corrupt... because whatever the excuses they proffer, this is their only real job, to do this research and find this stuff out... taken to task on Macneil/Lehrer for the lack of apparent diligence and intelligence on the part of the financial press, Jodie Allen of US News and World Report allowed as how maybe they just weren't smart enough to find it... if she's not smart enough to do that high-powered, incredibly lucrative job, she should go be a fuckin' waffle-waitress at Denny's, cuz I need a good job and I'm not afraid to do the required work... David Faber of CNBC said, and I quote: "If I could've found an Enron, would I have been so happy to have broken that story? Of course!--or any other fraud, for that matter--if in fact that is what took place there--which appears to be the case-- but those are very very hard sorts of stories to find... they take an enormous amount of time, a resource that there isn't a great deal of when your at a major news organization..." What Mr. Faber seems to be saying is, because they're a major superconglomerate news organization with tremendous resources of people, capital, state-of-the-art communications, the whole bit, they just don't have the time to do their work... the more resources you have at your disposal, the less time you have... if you can hire ten assistants, you actually end up getting less done, right?

Why should I trust anything these idiots say?

And the fact that the major magazines and network news services couldn't uncover it either?... that's even scarier, but it's an obvious truth that should have occurred to everyone long ago... the guys at the top of these companies are all filthy rich too, even more than the anchors...

And they're all telling us that Bush & Co. is wildly popular, and there's nothing to worry about, the economy is bigger and more robust than ever...

Which means that you can't trust the media at all.

And these leaders, these media barons and all the genius writers and pundits and personalities and movie stars and popular entertainers and presidents of our esteemed colleges and artists and comedians, all these people who do NOT speak out in the face of these vast inequities within our culture and world are themselves part and parcel of that culture... and they assist this phony system as it chugs along, both through the complicity of their silence, and their continuing on in a 'business-as-usual' response to this incredible destruction... see, it's not just the news. Every element of our popular culture is telling us that everything is A-OK, never been better.

Which means that you can't trust our culture at all... and a culture is even more of a confidence game, it needs that initial trust in order for it to function in any reasonable way.

And our culture is really made up of people, after all... it is the quality of its citizenry that determines the real worth of a culture.

And as everyone in utterly cynical America knows, you can't trust people at all.

That's where we're at, folks... we're not the United States of America anymore, we're the Divided Stakes of America, and everything's up for grabs... we're all divided against one another, it's every man for himself and greed is good and the one who dies with the most toys wins and there's nothing more fun than sawin' on a golden fiddle while the whole world burns!

And much like the present administration's failure of intelligence on 9/11, the mass media is pleading utter ignorance, senselessness, sheer stupidity .

Where are the articles about the collapse of Global Crossings, the fourth-largest bankruptcy in the history of the nation?... following closely on the heels of Enron, they were at least once a very real business, a fiber optics company that laid thousands of miles of fiber cable throughout the world, crossing both the Pacific and Atlantic to dozens of countries in a long-range plan to provide the backbone architecture for these multinational connections... much of that plan was accomplished, but then they ran into a problem, the lack of ready local systems to connect to... see, they did the long-range stuff, and were hoping everyone would be ready to hook up locally once they'd gotten their part done, and they'd be able to expand from there... what they found was a lack of readiness, lack of an immediate continuing market... and so instead of diversifying in order to keep going, it's very likely that the corporate heads decided to loot their own company to death, take the money and run laughing... it's akin to burning down your own tenement for the insurance, it's the very same game, just on a far grander scale...

I haven't read a single word on Global Crossings since I got the above info from an installment of Frontline... and that was a week ago...

Could it be that the media are diverting our attention from other sizable collapses so that we'll all keep living our lives as usual, as we have been specifically directed to do by our fearless leaders?

Could it be that the major media spokesmen and top news editors and publishers are engaged in a conspiracy of silence because they are so ridiculously, insanely well-paid by the ones doing the pirating and the fake leadership thing?

Could it be that these greed-freaks won't be satisfied until they've taken the last bits of silver from all our teeth?

And could this be just what we deserve for being so dumb and complacent and easily manipulated these last 30 years?

I personally stopped trusting the tv news about 20 years ago, when they first started running those ads saying, "We're the newsteam you can trust!"... I just don't trust the sound of that...

We're all being pulled under by the shortsighted opportunism of a buncha unbelievably stupid greedy white men unhindered by the slightest sense of wisdom or conscience.

And if you find all of this a little too much to swallow, I'm sure we can at least agree on this lil clarifier:

The real reason Bush pulled us out of the Kyoto Protocol?

Too hard to pronounce.

All Evil Toons, All the Time!


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