President Evil Online: The net's ONLY horror n' humor political parody website!

Savage Satire! NeoConspiracies! Terrifying Revelations! Obvious Truths!

by D X Stone

"This thing is a perfect engine --a cheating machine, if you will. All it does is swim and cheat and make little sharks."

Al Gore, 1999

Millions are Horrified!!!

Selected Vintage 2000-04

The GWinch Who Stole Election Day


The Last Words of Dick Cheney's Dying Heart!


Nothing Wrong With MY Gag Reflex


Some Folks I Profoundly Distrust


A Little Clarity


2001 in Review: DEFINITELY NOT as Good as the Movie


How It All Works


 Ted Kennedy Conspiracy Theory


 Polls Indicate Incredible Stupidity


 My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory


 More Mere Foolishness & Frivolity


How The Beatles Saved My Ass


 The Worst Addiction


 Not All That Funny, Actually


And more to come...








 Why Don't We All Just Dance Around A Skull In The Sand?

Dan Stone - 5/2/02


As someone who actually attended eight years of Catholic school, I think my views on the recent 'scandal' in the church offer at least the advantage of an insider's perspective. First, I want to state emphatically that I was never abused sexually by any representative of the church; but that in itself makes an interesting story.

I was, even in that day, a bit of a revolutionary, and wore my hair long for the time, ala The Beatles. I was the only kid doing this at the time, and it caused me no end of trouble; from second grade on, I had to go see the head priest once a week, where I endured lecture after lecture, all basically designed to get me to go get a haircut like everyone else, which I resisted for some seven years. Even at the tender age of seven, when this first began, I could not understand this obsession, this great need on the part of these supposedly benign authority figures to get me to look the way they so desperately seemed to want me to look; the similar behaviour of my peers was just as mysterious, if not moreso. In all cases, it only made me more determined to wear my hair in whatever way I wished.

Now I think perhaps this is what saved me. Cute kid that I was (and I was a very cute kid, doggone it, just like now!), this may have been the only thing that spared me from years of sexual abuse; cuz as the priests complained, over and over, I "looked like a girl."

Thank you, John, Paul, George and Ringo, wherever you are... in all likelihood, you guys really saved my butt.


Back then they still did the Mass in Latin, so nobody, not even the priests and nuns themselves, could understand a word of what they were saying. Nowadays they tend to communicate in a living language from time to time, and this tends to get them in a lot of trouble.

The idea that these moral and spiritual leaders needed to sit down together for several days to get their stories straight and come up with a statement on the sexual abuse of children is really sad, but not all that surprising. These guys have a hard time with the greyer areas of morality. They never seem to know whether to condone or condemn genocide or war or rape or rampant destruction of the environment and the insane inequities of wealth and opportunity that make up this phony system of ours; they always have to hold a conference, put their holy hats together and think real hard on these extremely nuanced subjects. After all such efforts have failed miserably, they toss a coin. Then we all have to wait til after naptime for Pope Mumbles the 19th to trot his ancient carcass out to the balcony to tell us all to go home and pray and sin no more, all is forgiven.

I'm not a Catholic anymore; I was dispossessed long ago, y'see (though they'd probably tell ya the exact opposite)... but at this point, I don't understand why anyone even mildly concerned with morals or ethics would go back to that church anymore... ever.

I am, however, still a person of deep spiritual feeling and convictions... and given the statement that finally came forth, it seems obvious to me that the Catholic hierarchy is comprised of creatures of pure evil, and one Pope so old and feeble that he probably had no idea what it was he was making a statement about... perhaps they told him it was a new edict denouncing the evils of bell-bottomed pants.

They promised reforms. The man they've chosen to head up these vague new policies?: none other than Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, the cleric best-known for having shuffled many of these repeat-offending priests from one parish to another, hushing up the scandals and thus enabling them to victimize fresh batches of children again and again over the course of some twenty years at least... instead of calling for his immediate resignation and issuing orders to have his name and visage struck from every statue and obelisk in the land, they annointed him with oil and are probably planning to name an airport after him in a coupla years.

The Cardinal Law of the Catholic Church: Cover thy brother's ass.

Which is why I say to all those Catholics out there still standing: Why don't we all just dance around a skull in the sand? Why don't we worship a dead squirrel on the side of the road, confess our sins to a glossy picture of a protein molecule, give up eating shit on weekends and wear little heart-shaped I Love Lucy pendants at all times to show our devotion to the Holy Roadkill? Why don't we mutilate ourselves with sandblasters and sit on golf balls two hours daily to demonstrate our faith in the salvation of the Immaculate Rutabaga? Why don't we do that bibble-bibble-bibble thing with the finger on the lips and call that praying? Why don't we get together on mountaintops once a year and all simultaneously flick our Bics for world peace while wearing big plastic pickles on our heads?

To my mind, none of these things would be as ridiculous, as pointless, as utterly irrelevant as modern Catholicism has just proven itself to be.

All Evil Toons, All The Time!

President Evil Online Home


Intro to Evil Incarnate 101

  The Lovely Dick Cheney Page

  Four More Beers, Quick!


  Stoopidity for Dummies

Our Leaders Are Chucky-Dolls
Bob Dylan Public Service Message



 Meet the REAL Fockers!

  Revenge of the Living Rummy

 The Halliburton Horror

President Pinhead

  More Stoopider Even

Obscenity of the Week

Flying Crazee Clown Faces!!!


Other Neat & Scary Stuff

Millions are Horrified!!!


The Scary News

The Bipolar Bowler

  More Funny Poem-Things


 Evil Alien Clone EXPOSE! 


 The Surreal News


 The OJ Simpson Defense Rap


 Who The Hell Am I, Anyway? 


Hail, Well-Met Fellow Inmates!


Twilight Eyes: Dark Visions by Swamp Rat


IMPEACH HIM! by hiley


 Class Warfare: A Photo-Essay by BlueBear


A Planet Full of Hitlers by Octafish


 NEVER FORGET: animations by hyakamooks

Contact me at

All material on this site is ©Copyright 2005 by Daniel Xavier Stone. All rights reserved.