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by D X Stone
"And lo, the village idiot shall lead them all off a cliff..."
--Nostradamus' brother, Bob
President Pinhead, I presume?
Polls Show America NOT a Peaceloving Nation, Just a Bunch of Unimaginative Warlike Drones & Idiots
Dan Stone - 12/6/01
It appears that Americans have been itchin' for a fight for the past 10 years, ever since the Gulf War and its unsatisfying conclusion... America wants a sequel, we want to know how it all turns out... we crave closure on this latest chapter of our ongoing history... which is why fully 107% of the American populace give George Bush the highest approval ratings of any living thing in all of history, according to the latest poll figures...
Such numbers continue to beggar reality with their insane demands, despite all known laws of mathematics. "He's bigger than the Beatles," said Ari Fleischer at a recent public briefing, which remark caused much confused murmuring amongst the press for a bit, which gradually settled down as everyone realized that there was really nothing there to cause any murmuring at all.
Yes, but what precisely is everyone going so nuts about? Given that within only two months our fears over terrorism have already made us a nation of nervous gigglers and mutterers who dare not meet one another's gazes or open one another's Christmas cards, a nation where the fat-cat rich are cutting everyone loose at a frenetic pace as they mad-dash-scramble for higher ground, pulling the very moorings of the economy loose beneath us all, just what is it exactly that is making Bush so wildly popular and appealing amongst his shocked, increasingly unemployed and suddenly obviously-doomed constituency?
Here are the actual figures:
78% The fact that before there was no war, but now there is.
48% His rapid destruction of the best economy ever.
19% His stand on cloning, particularly his personal views on sperm.
92% Throws a mean first pitch.
55% Blowin' people up again just feels right.
18% The fact that we didn't vote for him, but he somehow managed to weasel his way in there anyway, and so ya just gotta admire his tenacity, don't ya?
74% Oiliness factor.
33% Basic bedrock belief that the more foreigners who die on the other side of the world, the safer we all are here.
62% His disapproval of the environment.
97% Stopped making all those silly faces once the war started; now looks serious.
83% Watching everything we've all worked so hard for go down the crapper at such a fantastically unbelievable rate.
99% Loss of personal liberties.
95% Loss of wages.
92% Loss of jobs.
22% Loss of heart and hope.
89% It's the stupid war, stupid.
.0014% Reminds one guy of Jack Nicholson, somehow.
These are just some of the major reasons cited to pollsters in this latest scientific poll, which used random phone dialing sampling of 2000 people, a technique that experts say is one of the best there is. "Unless the computer dials the same number 2000 times in a row or something... which can happen, since it's 'random', and actually does happen more often than you'd think," said an unidentified insider in the polling industry. "And you'd be surprised how often that one number is Bob Dole's home phone." In fact, more than half the unidentified industry insiders I interviewed for this article said this is a major problem that occurs "Always" or "Almost always", while 18% said "Only sometimes" and 30% replied "Don't know" or "Don't want to know."
These recent national poll numbers are particularly remarkable as "they just don't add up", says independent analyst Martin Gimsby Lawrence Pinkerton Gubblesworth (not his real name, or anyone's, thankfully.) "The striking thing about these national polls showing solid support for Bush again and again is that they seem to reflect the exact opposite of the obvious reality, both here and abroad, regarding confidence in him and the other obviously moronic numbskulls on his team," he says. "I mean, he stole the election, his administration ruined the economy right out the gate, and the next thing you know we're under attack by primitive tribes of cruel-eyed sand-devils, and tossing away our own civil liberties like they were McDonald's wrappers! Let's face it: last year, we were all living in Heaven on Earth; today we occupy a sort of Living Hell we might term New America, and it happened so fast nobody's even sure what got us here... but we're not allowed to ask those sorts of questions now, since we're 'at war' and all... These are the grim realities of life under the Bush administration. Where these pollsters are getting these answers from is anybody's guess."
With that in mind, I conducted my own poll yesterday, interviewing 7200 people between 19 and 57 years of age, asking them to make their one best guess as to where these answers may indeed be coming from. Here are the results, America; here's what you really think:
100% They're making them up.
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