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by D X Stone

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Millions are Horrified!!!

Selected Vintage 2000-04

The GWinch Who Stole Election Day


The Last Words of Dick Cheney's Dying Heart!


Nothing Wrong With MY Gag Reflex


Some Folks I Profoundly Distrust


A Little Clarity


2001 in Review: DEFINITELY NOT as Good as the Movie


How It All Works


 Ted Kennedy Conspiracy Theory


 Polls Indicate Incredible Stupidity


 My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory


 More Mere Foolishness & Frivolity


How The Beatles Saved My Ass


 The Worst Addiction


 Not All That Funny, Actually


And more to come...













My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory

Dan Stone - 11/01/01


My terrorist conspiracy theory is very simple, and it goes like this:

When Bush's team first set up shop, they immediately made it crystal-clear to the entire world that they didn't give a rat's ass about:

1. The world's environment-- as evidenced by their initially arguing against safer arsenic level standards in drinking water right here in America, and pushing for drilling rights in ANWR, and especially for their abandoning of the Kyoto Protocol, a ten-year effort of who knows how many intelligent and hard-working people of every race and creed and color, that yielded a reasonable agreement between every nation worth mentioning on earth... all except one...

2. World opinion-- while certainly not the only one, the best example is Iraq... as soon as they took office, the US began bombing Iraq on a regular basis again, and we've continued to do so to the present day, as far as I know... this is one of the most troubling and least-known facts practically unknown in America today, but it is actually true... it's not a secret covert operation or anything, it's just treated like one by the popular media... they pretend they don't know it's happening...

3. World peace-- as evidenced by their very public admissions that it is their firm and unwavering intention to simply walk away from missile defense treaties that have kept the entire world safe from the always-present threat of nuclear war for over 50 years... such an impressive and delicate balance as this should not, indeed, cannot be abandoned so easily without clear expectation of serious consequences and real danger, possibly for every living thing on earth; but the administration's answers to its critics, including scads and scads of the top scientists and learned men in all the world, on this issue as well as the previous ones, is utterly dismissive... the Wise Men on High know better than experts with the highest IQs and levels of experience in their fields of lifelong study...

In these three areas, anyone with at least one good eye perceives in the Bush administration a singular and utter lack of diplomacy, an often nakedly casual, even flippant attitude toward the basic needs and desires and opinions of the very people they are supposed to represent, especially the smartest and the poorest of its own citizenry, not to mention187 or so other countries on this round world of ours, countries full of millions and millions of foreigners who are also people too, just like me and you... people who just wanna fall in love and work and raise families that don't die from drinking-water poisoning or get blown up into lunchmeat by other people's 'security devices' or end up lifers in Phil Knight's Legions of the Damned in Malaysia, or Tunisia, or wherever the fuck he's hiding his voodoo zombie slaves now...

(There is no escaping the perfectly reasonable allusion that, in any good fantasy movie, Nike CEO Phil Knight would be the evil sorcerer who captures his many victims' doomed souls in magic jars to make them do his dark bidding... and on each clay jar, a single swoosh in blackened human blood...)

Anyway, back to my theory: The peoples of the world saw and heard these very clear and nakedly honest and incredibly scary words and deeds, and understood what the Bush administration intended to do... and they were sore afraid...

From China to Australia to Africa to Canada to Brazil to Iceland to India and beyond, in every corner dark and light upon this spinning planet, the peoples of the world trembled at the words of America's new leaders.

They realized all at once, all together, that everyone on earth was utterly doomed.... they saw no hope at all...

Desperate, confused, horrified millions... not such bad people, just humans who all want a chance to live, too... frightened, horrified human beings who saw whatever meager hope they'd had in their universe being crushed to death by the whims of a powerful few.

This is just a theory, y'know? I have such an imagination!

So they all got together and decided to launch an attack on America, hoping to give our new leaders pause in their apparent Apocalyptic march on all mankind... yes, they paid El-Quaida to do it, but they all pitched in, all of them... even the little kids in Ghana gave pennies...

That's my theory. That's who the terrorists are, the invisible enemy... it's just about everyone in the entire world, give or take a few stubborn types... it's everybody in the world vs. the US... and England, of course.

Isn't it weird that we fought a revolutionary war to get the hell away from them and their insane imperialist ways, and now we're best buds who share like values and opinions on just about everything?... except for the accents, you can't even tell us apart anymore.

(Hey, I loved the Beatles and Monty Python... but I don't even wanna talk to you if I'm expected to address you with special prefaces such as Prince or My Lady or King... if you're so superior, why don't you notice that all of these are names better suited to dogs than people?)

Anyway, my point is that all we have to do is kill everyone else in the entire world, and then things will be safe again.

Everyone except us, of course... we have to try very hard to remember to stop at that point...

This war as it is being waged now is far beyond foolish. It makes no sense at all... unless one actually wants to destroy the world as we know it.

At least, that's my theory.

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