My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory
Dan Stone - 11/01/01
My terrorist conspiracy theory is very simple, and it goes like this:
When Bush's team first set up shop, they immediately made it crystal-clear
to the entire world that they didn't give a rat's ass about:
1. The world's environment-- as evidenced by their initially arguing
against safer arsenic level standards in drinking water right here in America,
and pushing for drilling rights in ANWR, and especially for their
abandoning of the Kyoto Protocol, a ten-year effort of who knows how many
intelligent and hard-working people of every race and creed and color, that
yielded a reasonable agreement between every nation worth mentioning on
earth... all except one...
2. World opinion-- while certainly not the only one, the best example
is Iraq... as soon as they took office, the US began bombing Iraq on a regular
basis again, and we've continued to do so to the present day, as far as
I know... this is one of the most troubling and least-known facts practically
unknown in America today, but it is actually true... it's not a secret covert
operation or anything, it's just treated like one by the popular media...
they pretend they don't know it's happening...
3. World peace-- as evidenced by their very public admissions that it
is their firm and unwavering intention to simply walk away from missile
defense treaties that have kept the entire world safe from the always-present
threat of nuclear war for over 50 years... such an impressive and delicate
balance as this should not, indeed, cannot be abandoned so easily without
clear expectation of serious consequences and real danger, possibly for
every living thing on earth; but the administration's answers to its critics,
including scads and scads of the top scientists and learned men in all the
world, on this issue as well as the previous ones, is utterly dismissive...
the Wise Men on High know better than experts with the highest IQs
and levels of experience in their fields of lifelong study...
In these three areas, anyone with at least one good eye perceives in
the Bush administration a singular and utter lack of diplomacy, an often
nakedly casual, even flippant attitude toward the basic needs and desires
and opinions of the very people they are supposed to represent, especially
the smartest and the poorest of its own citizenry, not to mention187 or
so other countries on this round world of ours, countries full of millions
and millions of foreigners who are also people too, just like me and you...
people who just wanna fall in love and work and raise families that don't
die from drinking-water poisoning or get blown up into lunchmeat by other
people's 'security devices' or end up lifers in Phil Knight's Legions of
the Damned in Malaysia, or Tunisia, or wherever the fuck he's hiding his
voodoo zombie slaves now...
(There is no escaping the perfectly reasonable allusion that, in any
good fantasy movie, Nike CEO Phil Knight would be the evil sorcerer who
captures his many victims' doomed souls in magic jars to make them do his
dark bidding... and on each clay jar, a single swoosh in blackened human
Anyway, back to my theory: The peoples of the world saw and heard these
very clear and nakedly honest and incredibly scary words and deeds, and
understood what the Bush administration intended to do... and they were
From China to Australia to Africa to Canada to Brazil to Iceland to India
and beyond, in every corner dark and light upon this spinning planet, the
peoples of the world trembled at the words of America's new leaders.
They realized all at once, all together, that everyone on earth was utterly
doomed.... they saw no hope at all...
Desperate, confused, horrified millions... not such bad people, just
humans who all want a chance to live, too... frightened, horrified human
beings who saw whatever meager hope they'd had in their universe being crushed
to death by the whims of a powerful few.
This is just a theory, y'know? I have such an imagination!
So they all got together and decided to launch an attack on America,
hoping to give our new leaders pause in their apparent Apocalyptic march
on all mankind... yes, they paid El-Quaida to do it, but they all pitched
in, all of them... even the little kids in Ghana gave pennies...
That's my theory. That's who the terrorists are, the invisible enemy...
it's just about everyone in the entire world, give or take a few stubborn
types... it's everybody in the world vs. the US... and England, of course.
Isn't it weird that we fought a revolutionary war to get the hell away
from them and their insane imperialist ways, and now we're best buds who
share like values and opinions on just about everything?... except for the
accents, you can't even tell us apart anymore.
(Hey, I loved the Beatles and Monty Python... but I don't even wanna
talk to you if I'm expected to address you with special prefaces such as
Prince or My Lady or King... if you're so superior, why don't you notice
that all of these are names better suited to dogs than people?)
Anyway, my point is that all we have to do is kill everyone else in the
entire world, and then things will be safe again.
Everyone except us, of course... we have to try very hard to remember
to stop at that point...
This war as it is being waged now is far beyond foolish. It makes no
sense at all... unless one actually wants to destroy the world as
we know it.
At least, that's my theory.