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  by D X Stone


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Selected Vintage 2000-04

The GWinch Who Stole Election Day


The Last Words of Dick Cheney's Dying Heart!


Nothing Wrong With MY Gag Reflex


Some Folks I Profoundly Distrust


A Little Clarity


2001 in Review: DEFINITELY NOT as Good as the Movie


How It All Works


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 Polls Indicate Incredible Stupidity


 My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory


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How The Beatles Saved My Ass


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 Not All That Funny, Actually

And more to come...




Nothing Wrong With My Gag Reflex

by Dan Stone - 1/17/02

As a freelance writer, it's important for me to keep up on my reading... I subscribe to literally thousands of magazines on the subject of dogs alone, for instance, and I get every major daily from every publisher in every city in every country in the world, just to stay on top of things; yet somehow, despite all that voracious reading, I've never even heard of clipping services...

But anyway, man!, the foreign press guys are all over this Presidential Pretzel Scandal like flies on Bob Dole!... here are just some of the headlines I was greeted with today:

'Magic Pretzel' Theory Provokes Special Investigation!

Pretzels: Good for People!... Poisonous to Deep-Space Aliens?

American Prez Nearly Kills Self, Instead of Everybody Else!

Was it REALLY a Pretzel?... or a Whole Bunch of Money?

At Least He Didn't Yak on Some Oriental Big-Wig!

and of course, that old standard from back in the Reagan Era:

X-Rays of President's Brain Reveal Nothing!

Choking is one of nature's little warnings, a sign that perhaps one is biting off more than they can possibly chew.

I personally lean toward the whole-bunch-of-money theory... maybe someone simply needs to explain to our chief executioner the difference between a Rold-Gold and an actual big ol' plug of rolled gold.

Didn't his mother ever tell him to chew his ill-gotten gain thoroughly before swallowing it?

Now I don't know about you guys, but like a lot of our world neighbors, I don't think this administration is doing a very good job in any way here... take the economy, for instance; in continuing to demand that we pour a seemingly endless fount of largesse upon the very parties that COULD NOT POSSIBLY NEED tax relief, while at the same time insisting we're all outta dough here, and allowing others who've worked hard all their shitty lil' lives to either grin and bear it or just blow their brains out on the off-chance that perhaps there might be some half-decent job vacancies in Hell, the present administration seems to embrace a weird sort of pretzel logic that no one else can understand... there's no talkin' to these guys, as they seem to think themselves more intelligent by several orders of magnitude than all the rest of us put together, from our greatest scientists and thinkers to all the common workin' (if yer lucky) jerks out there, The Great Unwashed, many of whom really can't be expected to pick themselves up by their own bootstraps, mostly because they can't afford them fancy boots with real straps... but I always try to see the positive, so I wanna point out that this might be an opportune time for every unhappy and unemployed and alarmed and overwhelmed American out there to:


just to show your basic disapproval and distaste for this new Pretzelogical Viewpoint of this grand New World Order being unveiled a bit more every day to our harried and horrified gazes...

It's not like your threatening him, right?... I mean, you can't threaten someone with a pretzel, can you?... you're just expressing your dissatisfaction with his moronic leadership in a very cute and clever way!... and who knows, maybe he'll completely misunderstand the gesture and think we all love him, and suddenly grow a heart and stop trying to bleed us all til we're dry as... as a pretzel, by god!... and this is ALL that I've been sayin' to Bush all along: Dude, relax and have a drink or two!... make sure you always drink plenty of liquids!... and try not to overdo it so much! Pace yourself! You have a whole world out there to ruin... and believe me, it's not going anywhere right now.

Choking is one of nature's little warnings, a sign that perhaps one is biting off more than they can possibly chew.

But maybe it's deeper than that... maybe the guy just lacks a basic gag reflex, and that's why he can put forward all these programs and plans for his hideous New World Order that make the majority of the rest of of just want to throw up continuously til we're all completely inside-out.

Screw it!... I think I'll go stuff myself with bag after bag of Dan-Dee Potato Chips til I explode... and let the chips fall where they may.

All Evil Toons, All The Time!

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