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Savage Satire! NeoConspiracies! Terrifying Revelations! Obvious Truths!

by D X Stone

When you're a little kid, they tell you that Santa Claus exists, but Monsters don't.

Yeah, right.

Millions are Horrified!!!

Selected Vintage 2000-04

The GWinch Who Stole Election Day


The Last Words of Dick Cheney's Dying Heart!


Nothing Wrong With MY Gag Reflex


Some Folks I Profoundly Distrust


A Little Clarity


2001 in Review: DEFINITELY NOT as Good as the Movie


How It All Works


 Ted Kennedy Conspiracy Theory


 Polls Indicate Incredible Stupidity


 My Terrorist Conspiracy Theory


 More Mere Foolishness & Frivolity


How The Beatles Saved My Ass


 The Worst Addiction


 Not All That Funny, Actually


 Ted Kennedy Assassination Conspiracy Theory

Dan Stone - 4/4/02


I never thought I'd get to this level of derangement, but now I have in my head a whole bunch of weird beliefs and odd memories and lil' conspiracy theories in the mode of least likely to have been thought up by any other nut... and I'm not really sure if half of this stuff is false memories, daydreams dreamed so often and so vividly that I've added details or entire events that never actually happened, it's hard to tell from where I'm sittin'.. but I believe them anyway, totally and completely, I believe them with every fiber of my being...

F'rinstance: I believe that the same guys who iced the first two Kennedy brothers decided they couldn't get away with a third outright assassination, so they arranged for Ted to have a little accident... I can just see him wakin' up on the shore of Chappaquidick, all drippin' wet and freaked out, still groggy from the mickey they slipped him... and looming above him there's this shadowy figure, who explains to him very briefly but clearly what has just happened in the last half hour to him... he points out how it doesn't matter that he's innocent, because nobody's gonna believe him... he says "Now you'd better start playin' ball, Teddy-boy!"... and then he starts laughin' maniacally, rips off a rubber face ala Mission Impossible, only to reveal another laughing rubber face... then disappears cackling into the dark night woods. Ted goes to see Peter Lawford and explains his predicament, and though they've been friends for years, and Ted shows him the rubber face and everything, even Lawford doesn't believe him, just like the guy said...

So you see, ladies and gentlemen, THAT is how they got the third Kennedy, by assassinating his character utterly, turning him into a sad caricature of the promising young man he'd once been... and that's why I don't make jokes about his big fat head or his jolly red nose or his incredible capacity for drink... Ted had to watch them get both his brothers, and then he had to continue to remain silent as they got him... because no one will ever believe him, no one but me, so he doesn't even bother trying... if I were him, I'd drink a lot too, I think...

Being that he's a Democrat, and so obviously the lesser of two evils, it would be nice to think that the same thing happened to Gary Condit... he was behaving either like a very guilty man, or else one who knows he's been framed good...

But the main reason the Republicans never get caught in similar situations is because they always kill their whores and mistresses at the peak of intercourse, then eat the body...

If only I'd gotten into filmmaking, what movies I woulda made...













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